Lonely Planet’s Guide to My Children’s Bedrooms

Geographic Orientation:

My Children’s Bedrooms is a beautiful place of great geographic diversity, but it is an area of wild instability, characterized by volatile native populations and does tend to suffer from their environmental excesses. 

To the east one finds the large region known as “Jordan’s Room” which is highlighted by a vast expanse called the Plains of Legos.  Visitors would be wise to wear hard shoes and walk slowly when traveling through this region.  The reward for this hard-fought journey awaits at the gently rolling hills of Dirty Laundry which cascade into the larger mountainous range of Crumpled Bed Linens.  This picturesque range of tectonic upheaval is capped by the wide semi-barren steppes of Jordan’s Bed.  Visitors, be aware, however, as these steppes are often cluttered with discarded electronics.  Also, avoid such local hazards as Yesterday’s Underwear and Toenail Clippings Not Yet Discarded.

Southwest of Jordan’s Bedroom, visitors encounter the region known only as The Children’s Bathroom.  Note – Foreigners are strongly encouraged to avoid travel to this region as it is hazardous and lacking of any and all natural beauty.  If travel there is a must, use only local guides due to the many man-made disasters common to the area.  Also, inform others of your travel plans and itineraries to speed up emergency evacuation procedures, if necessary.

To the west lies the somewhat treacherous region known as Jackie’s Bedroom.  While traveling through the narrow but short Valley of Unread Books (Note – landslides are common), be on the look out for the vastly popular local formation known as Magazines of Teenage Interests.  While intriguing and colorful on the outside, the few occasional foreign visitors to this area often leave disappointed.  (Insider’s Tip – save your money and time and avoid it like the plague.  Instead, there are many pristine and untouched regions of local beauty in the area known as Literary Classics.  While difficult to reach, visitors can revel in the feeling of having this area all to themselves.)

After passing through the valley, visitors will encounter the foothills of Stuffed Animals.  Rock climbers take note – challenging opportunities are abundant, but the geography is unstable and is often impacted by the native population.  Further exploration west of Stuffed Animals is highly discouraged (See Local Customs – Hostile Natives).

Note:  Natives of My Children’s Bedrooms are not a neat people.  Visitors should prepare themselves accordingly.

What to Bring:

Disinfectant is a requirement.  Consider bringing ample amounts of cash in small denominations.  Avoid plastic.  Begging is common and handouts are expected. 

When to Go:

Any day in June after 11:00 a.m. local time is the best time to visit.  Native populations are at their most accommodating during this month, though only after 11:00 a.m.  Locals are not morning people.

Avoid late August/early September when natives are glum and often openly hostile (See Local Education Systems for more details).

Political Climate:

Despite arguments to the contrary from local natives, My Children’s Bedrooms (otherwise referred to by locals as The Upstairs) is not, in fact, an independent country, but rather is a dependent territory of the larger, benevolent country to the far south known by the locals as the Parental Unit.  Note – Rebellions and localize uprisings are common, though recriminations by Parental Unit are swift and totalitarian in nature.  Uninformed visitors drawn in by seasonal activities known as “slumber parties” (See Festivals) have been known to, on occasion, take part.  In many instances, lock downs of natives and military police rule have resulted.

Visitors to My Children’s Bedrooms would also be wise to note that civil unrest between regions to the east and west is also common, though regional hostilities tend to ebb and flow with the seasons (See Holidays – December and Vacations – Summer for more details).

Natural Resources:

While man-made resources are abundant, My Children’s Bedroom lacks any natural resources of its own.  All goods and services are imported from neighboring countries (For more info, see “The Lonely Planet’s Guide to My Mother’s Wallet.”)

Local Customs:

Local customs defy explanation.  Insertion into the culture for great lengths of time is required for even a basic understanding.  It’s best to view these customs from a safe distance.

Places to Eat:

Safe places to eat locally are non-existent.  Don’t drink the water.  Avoid native offerings out of season (See Holidays – October).  It’s best to consider day trips and pack meals accordingly.

Night Life:

Due to the totalitarian nature of Parental Unit, strict curfews are enforced during the week throughout the territory.  Exceptions are made on weekends and during holidays and local festivals.  When curfews are not enforced, expect extravagant displays of native customs and cultures by locals.  Such customs can include, but are not limited to: ritualistic dancing, binging on local food items of a non-nutritious variety, meditative trances brought on by a local feature known as the Big Screen, karaoke marathons, and uninvited excursions into neighboring countries (See The Lonely Planet’s Guide to Our Refrigerator).


Travelers to My Children’s Bedrooms may enjoy these other Lonely Planet guides to nearby countries:

The Lonely Planet’s Guide to My Husband’s Underwear Drawer

The Lonely Planet’s Guide to The Crap in The Basement

The Lonely Planet’s Guide to The Kitchen Drawer of Misc. Items.