2:17 a.m. – Dog barks under bedroom window. On sixteenth bark Husband raises window and shouts “Shut UP, Shhhhuuuutttt Uuuuppp! SHUT up!” I’m reminded of a Kid Rock song and fall back to sleep.
2:19 a.m. – Dog barks under bedroom window again. On twenty-fourth bark, Husband leaps from bed, dashes out the front door wearing only tidy whities and begins hurling stacked firewood in general direction of Dog. I give thanks for no close neighbors and down two Tylenol PMs.
5:00 a.m. – Alarm goes off. The 5:00 a.m. me curses the 10:00 p.m. me who made plans for a two-mile jog before work. 5:00 a.m. me makes mental note to punish 10:00 p.m. me with 100 ab crunches before bed. 5:00 a.m. me sets snooze alarm for 5:45, gives thanks for the lingering affects of Tylenol PM, and promptly goes back to sleep.
6:45 a.m. – Cursing the effects of Tylenol PM, I stumble out front door after a typical morning of scrambling for socks and burning toast. Herd children toward car and spy Dog asleep under the shrubs. Grab stick of kindling and metal ash bucket near barbecue pit. Sneak up on Dog and recreate the drum solo from Wipeout then laugh manically as Dog heads for the hills. Humans 1, Dogs 1.
6:47 a.m. – Spy headless carcass of my best hen, Gertrude, lying next to doghouse in side yard. Decide Dog will not reap the rewards of his betrayal, grab Gertrude by her skinny wattled leg and toss her on hood of car. Humans 1, Dogs 2, Chickens 0.
6:50 a.m. – After three unsuccessful attempts to “toss” Gertrude’s still limp carcass off the hood by swerving slightly to the left, I realize the folly of my plan as Gertrude’s aerodynamic wings catch the 40-mph wind and roll her floppy carcass up against the windshield where she lays splayed across my field of vision. Before I can stop, the approaching headlights of Neighbor Joe’s truck penetrate the gloom, siloetting Gertrude in the light. Somewhere behind me, a child screams.
6:51 a.m. – As Neighbor Joe passes by, giving me one of a thousand odd looks, I stare straight ahead and whistle Zip-pa-dee-do-da.
6:52 a.m. – Neighbor Joe’s truck disappears over the hill so I stop the car, grab Gertrude by the foot and heave her ungrateful carcass into the weeds. Humans 1, Dogs 2, Chickens 1.
7:45 a.m. – I arrive at work, giving thanks I don’t carry a gun.
8:00 a.m. – 11:30 a.m. – In between surfing the net and reading emails, I manage to squeeze in some work while planning a long, healthy walk in the park for lunch.
11:30 a.m. – Drive to Wal-Mart and spend majority of lunch hour buying toilet paper and toothpaste before heading to White Castle. Down three sliders and large onion chip on the way back to office.
1:50 p.m. – Really regret the onion chips.
2:25 p.m. – Co-workers really regret the onion chips.
5:00 p.m. – Quitting time!
6:00 – 9:57 – Evening disappears into a foggy haze of complaints about dinner, too much math homework to check, a cityscape of dirty dishes towering over the kitchen counter, protests over evening showers and childish bedtimes, and a horny husband hinting that he wants to “have fun.”
9:58 – 10:00 p.m. – Husband has fun.
10:00 p.m. – Bedtime! I set the alarm for 5:00 a.m., thinking tomorrow is the day to start my new health regimen. I skip the 100 ab crunches because I’m starting tomorrow and crawl in bed.
10:01 p.m. – Hear distinct and audible sound of Dog clearing throat under window.
10:02 p.m. – Dog barks under bedroom window. I make a mental note to have Dog neutered.
10:03 p.m. – Husband begins snoring. I make a mental note…..